So… You Don’t Like Your Coach or a Teammate
Learning to deal with difficult people is a right of passage in life, and whether we like it or not, we will encounter many different people who challenge us in this way our entire lives.
Sports provide a unique opportunity to learn how to deal with this at a young age. In this article, we’ll break down several methods to help you reclaim your power when having to deal with a difficult coach or teammate.
Without question, one of the most egregious human atrocities in our recent history was the Holocaust. Survivor Dr. Edith Eger, who also has recently authored the phenomenal book The Gift: 14 Lessons to Save Your Life, is one of the most profound works you can read.
It is akin to the popular Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, who was also a Holocaust survivor. Both Eger and Frankl survived a hell none of us can possibly imagine, but on top of that, both have expertise in psychology, making their writings some of the most valuable tools we can use to handle our modern problems.
I mention the Holocaust not to contrast against and thereby minimize our own problems, but to present three questions as they relate to a common mistake many of us make:
What is the severity of this issue really?
Am I making this particular situation worse by the way I am choosing to respond to it?
Is there a better way I can respond and handle myself, which ultimately is all I can control?
It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens that hurts us.
Our character, our basic identity, does actually not have to hurt at all.
In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so as well.
With over 24 years experience in athletics as a player and now development coach, here are a few strategies I recommend for dealing with difficult coaches or teammates:
#1: Avoid a rigid perspective
It’s way too easy to get caught in thinking something either good or bad, when in reality, there is no such thing as good or bad, only how we choose to view and respond to any given situation.
So you feel like your coach plays favorites, and you’re not one of them. Or the way they speak to you is demeaning, constantly negative, or they don’t play you as much as you think they should; the important question to ask yourself is not “why me?”, but “how can I best respond and handle this?”
“Suffering is universal. But victimhood is optional.”
Try one or all of these:
Have the courage to establish more frequent and better communication with your coach. Typically in any relationship, when both people can gain a better understanding of one another, things tend to work out more positively. If you have a burning question for your coach (what can I do to earn more playing time?), or concern (I don’t like the way you talk to me sometimes), then go talk to them about it! And if you’re sitting over here feeling like they should reach out to you because they’re the adult and authority in this situation, think again, few coaches will do that, especially at higher levels.
The head coach too intimidating? Reach out to an assistant coach or teammate you trust. Someone else intimately involved in the ongoings of your team is a much better resource than consulting with a parent or friend outside of the team because they will always have a biased opinion towards you. Also, be mindful to only speak positively about others! Use these conversations more like an informal interview to get the other person’s take on how they would recommend the best way to deal with this particular difficult person.
Therapy! I’m not joking. Emotions are challenging, and learning how to cope with them in a healthy way is an extremely powerful tool! It’s unfortunate that our society views therapy as taboo, we can all benefit from it, even if we think our mental health is on point.
#2: Be Very Careful with Who You Choose to Listen To
Not everyone has good advice, especially if they have no experience in your situation. For example, if you are wanting financial advice, you wouldn’t ask someone who is broke and living in their car. The same goes for sports. If you are wanting advice on how to best get through a certain situation, you wouldn’t ask someone who has never played or coached the game.
This is a mistake I see a lot of players making!
Even when players ask me for help, I still encourage them to specifically address issues with someone directly involved on their team.
As we subscribe to human nature, it’s much easier to go to people who we know are going to tell us what we want to hear, and comfort us through our difficult experience while we vent and rage about someone not in the room.
The more difficult and courageous act is to go directly to the person you want to vent and rage about, and confront them directly in a positive and productive way.
#3: Don’t Blame, Including Yourself
Eventually, if a person endures enough negativity from another, a self-destructive unraveling of confidence can ensue. We want to avoid this at all costs! Not only are we allowing another person to vampire suck our own power away from us, but we kill our chances of rising out of this situation more quickly.
Whatever is happening, try to take yourself out of being the focal point or victim. Do your best to view things from as unemotional perspective as possible and reframe the situation to something that is happening for you not to you. Under this perspective, the situation is now a gift and opportunity to help you grow, rather than something you need to beat yourself up about.
Likewise, don’t blame anyone else for your situation, including that difficult coach or teammate you see as being the cause! Instead, work on taking ownership for the way you chose to respond.
Remember, This person is Happening For You
Reclaiming your control in a situation is the byproduct of recognizing how you are letting someone affect you, and what steps you can take to courageously reclaim your power.
Take ownership for your thoughts, behavior, and actions, and I bet you will see a tremendous difference in your interactions with the person you originally deemed as difficult. Shoot, you may even become friends!
